Lance Has A Manly Name
Lance Armstrong and Dick Pound are on the list of Top 10 Manliest Names on Cracked.com. Here is Lance Armstrong’s analysis.
It’s impossible to hear this name without picturing many men getting impaled on a battlefield. He’s got the lance, and he’s got the arm strength to drive it through you and the four guys standing behind you.
Some will argue that we should have gone with the guy who walked on the moon instead of the guy who rides bikes for a living. But, come on. Neil? Please. Come back when you’ve got a man’s name, space cowboy.
Anyway, Lance got cancer in his testicle, abdomen, lungs and brain, and then, instead of curling into a little ball and giving the hell up like a lot of us might have, he beat the cancer (in our imaginations, with a hammer).
Then, he went on to win the Tour de France seven consecutive times. Nowadays, Armstrong is retired from cycling and does speaking tours and writes inspirational books which make us feel really inspired and happy, and then a little later as we microwave last night’s pizza and settle in to watch America’s Got Talent, really shitty.
Does He Live Up to It?
Lance doesn’t rank higher because, quite frankly, cycling just barely involves using your arms. So the Armstrong thing is kind of wasted.
The Only Way It Could Have Been Manlier:
Lance Legstrong? No, that’s more accurate, but also ridiculous. In fact, most of the names we came up with sound weird in English, like “Lightning-Legs.” But, maybe in another language … Babel Fish tells us “Lightning Legs” in German is “Blitzbeine,” and Lance Blitzbeine does have a nice ring to it.