Velochimp: Astrochimp on Cycling

The news this week is about Jan Ullrich’s return to racing. Der Kaiser finally started his season after a knee flareup caused him to ease up on his training. The result is that Ullrich is behind in form yet again, and reporters, newsmen, bloggers and fans are all wondering just how fat is Jan Ullrich? Well, with the help of some old Yo Mamma jokes and a shout out to Wilmer Valderama for his awesome new show “Yo Mamma” here is how fat Jan Ullrich really is:
(disclaimer, I can joke about this because like Jan, I am a fat cyclist)

Newly added*
Jan Ullrich so fat when he rode up L’Alpe D’Huez, he flattened the roads.*

Jan Ullrich so fat the broom wagon drafts him to save gas.*

Jan Ullrich so fat that fans thought T-Mobile placed a blimp in the middle of the peloton.*

Jan Ullrich so fat Graham Watson’s camera was too heavy after he took a picture of Jan Ullrich.

Jan Ullrich so fat, he makes Free Willy look like a tic tac

Jan Ullrich so fat he causes picture breakup just by sweating.

Jan Ullrich so fat, when he walked in front of the TV I missed 3 commercials

Jan Ullrich so fat, the last time he saw 90210 was on the scale

Jan Ullrich so fat, when he steps on the scale it says one at a time please

Jan Ullrich so fat, when he steps on the scale it says sorry we don’t do livestock

Jan Ullrich so fat, when he goes to a restaurant he gets an estimate

Jan Ullrich so fat, at a restaurant when they give his the menu he replies ” yes Please”

Jan Ullrich so fat, when he went to the beach Greenpeace tried to drag him back in the water.

Jan Ullrich so fat, when he went to get a water bed, they put a blanket across the Mediteranean sea.

Jan Ullrich so fat, when he put on the rainbow jersey, Skittle’s fell out.

Jan Ullrich so fat, when he tiptoes, everyone yells “Stampede!”

Jan Ullrich so fat, he makes sumo wrestlers look anorexic.

Jan Ullrich so fat, when he wear the yellow jersey he makes Big Bird look like a rubber duck.

Jan Ullrich so fat, when he wore a shirt with an AA on it, people thought it was American Airlines biggest jet.

Jan Ullrich so fat, Addidas had to kill 3 cows just to make his a pair of shoes.

Jan Ullrich so fat, when he goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.

Jan Ullrich so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get on his good side.

Jan Ullrich so fat, when he hauls ass, he has to make two trips.

Jan Ullrich so fat, they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the othis side to get him through.

Jan Ullrich so fat, he can lay down and stand up and his height doesn’t change.

Jan Ullrich so fat, the horse on his Polo shirt is real.

Jan Ullrich so fat, when he runs he makes the CD player skip… at the radio station.

Jan Ullrich so fat, his belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motion machine.

Jan Ullrich so fat, all the restaurants in town have signs that say: “Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Jan Ullrich”

Jan Ullrich so fat, when he ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.

Jan Ullrich so fat, instead of wide leg jeans, he wears wide load.

Jan Ullrich so fat, when he gets in an elevator, it has to go down.

Jan Ullrich so fat, when I said I wanted “Pigs in a blanket” he got back in bed.

Jan Ullrich so fat, when he was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, the doctor gave his 5 years to live.

Jan Ullrich so fat, he was born with a silver shovel in his mouth.

Jan Ullrich so fat, he’s got smaller fat cyclist orbiting around him.

Jan Ullrich so fat, a picture of his fell off the wall!

Jan Ullrich so fat, his picture takes two frames.

Jan Ullrich so fat, his cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.